


Fifth Day of Christmas - Little Drummer Boy

by unjaundiced



Series: Holiday Headaches [5]
Category: Naruto
Genre: 12 Days of Christmas, 12 Days of Fic, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Humor, Ninjas Can't Do Anything Right, Traditions, bad friend, bad role models
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-11 20:12:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5640415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unjaundiced/pseuds/unjaundiced
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi and Iruka try to have a mochitsuki [mochi making] session with the boys. Who keeps letting them have these ideas?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fifth Day of Christmas - Little Drummer Boy

Iruka woke up just before dawn, rolled his eyes at the blanket lumps adorning his living room yet again, and padded off to find his toothbrush, completely oblivious of the jounin that padded after. Kakashi had failed to mention that he'd not only invited Naruto and Sasuke over to try out chocolate, but to stay until New Years so they could have the full year-end experience that came with family: mochitsuki, house cleaning (even though it wasn't any of _their_ homes they'd be cleaning), fireworks, ozoni, and hatsumode. Anticipating his inability to say no to a triple set—two and a half sets rather. Kakashi's one eye, though devastating, was still only half a set—of puppy dog eyes, all three uninvited visitors had brought several days worth of clothes and were gleefully taxing his water meter every night with shower fights and soap bombs which themselves had the unintended side-effect of making his bathroom sparkling and spotless. None of them had ever managed to figure out where the Gai-like _glinting_ had come from but they weren't about to question something so clean and joyful looking. It might summon something far more green and _youthful_.  
  
Iruka was busy attacking his teeth with his brush in the gloom, not wanting to disturb the slumbering group in the living room by turning on the light, when he heard his name. He blamed his reflex on the fact that it was still early and he hadn't expected someone to be in his bathroom as well, but Kakashi's unholy glee at having the tiny scarecrow shaped toothbrush holder the chuunin used—it was on sale and he'd really needed one!—thrown at his head was just _unsavoury_. To say that he'd been flabbergasted when Kakashi had produced a matching dolphin one a moment later—why were the scarecrow and dolphin wearing the same shirt!—would have been a _massive_ understatement.  
  
“ _What_ ,” Iruka hissed, gagging slightly on the foam in his mouth. He tried to jab Kakashi in his stomach when the jounin tried to pat his back. “I'm _fine_. Stop that!”  
  
“I was thinking,” Kakashi started again, still patting Iruka's back with determination as if he was trying to coax a hairball out of a cat.  
  
“That's new,” Iruka muttered before he bent to rinse his mouth. Kakashi patted him once more and leaned close, staring solemnly with his eye.  
  
“We need to go shopping. Right now.”  
  
Iruka blinked, squinted his eyes against the gloom and blinked again. He knew Kakashi was bad on time, but he _did_ realise that it wasn't even five-thirty yet, didn't he?  
  
“I've been waiting for you to get up since five,” he went on. Yes, Kakashi was indeed aware of the time. “I didn't know you were such a sad sack. Who knew Iruka-sensei was so lazy?” Kakashi was also asking to be killed in painful and inventive ways.  
  
“ _Why_ , pray tell, do we need to go shopping _now_ of all times” Iruka ground out, trying to be patient. He didn't like to blow up before at least six. It was his personal habit. Pre-six o'clock was strictly neutral time. After that and all bets were off. It gave people the opportunity to ask for unreasonable and last minute favors while his day was still innocent, bright, shiny, and new. Unfortunately, it meant he got taken advantage a lot at five-fifty nine in the morning.  
  
“ _Because_ ,” Kakashi hissed, darting an eye towards the living room. “The brats are still asleep.”  
  
Iruka leveled a half-lidded glare at the jounin. “I really don't understand you,” he sighed regretfully as he scratched his head. “But,” he continued as Kakashi powered up his trademark puppy dog eye, “I'll go with you.”  
  
Kakashi squeed quietly.  
  
“But only because we need more food.”  
  
Kakashi wasn't deflated at all. He snagged Iruka's arm and dragged him towards the living room window, scooping him into his arms and hopping over the maze of limbs before Iruka's slaps and hissed threats stopped him.  
  
“ _What are you doing_ ,” Iruka hissed. “ _The door is in the hallway! What did I say about the window!_ ”  
  
“Eh heh. Iruka-sensei is so smart.” Kakashi giggled awkwardly as he reversed his direction. He carried the chuunin to the door, ignoring the following barrage of threats and questions asking why the jounin was still carrying him, bundling Iruka into his boots and scarf before shoving him out the door ahead of himself.  
  
Iruka blinked in the cool morning air as Kakashi stretched widely next to him before throwing an arm across his shoulders. He opened his mouth to say something but the jounin had already set off, dragging him along.  
  
Kakashi chattered aimlessly, seeming a little giddy. “Now, we need takenoko—I soaked mochigome last night so we're good with that—mikan, cucumber, kamaboko, kurikinton, kinpira gobo, kuromame...”  
  
“Pochibukuro,” Iruka cut in. Kakashi looked at him in surprise and Iruka smiled. “For the boys. You're buying food for a New Years feast, aren't you?”  
  
“Pochibukuro as well. With ninken hopefully,” Kakashi agreed. “But we'll have to find somewhere to hide them. Naruto is nosy.”  
  
They snickered to themselves like first-time parents as they tossed ideas on where to hide the envelopes back and forth as they worked their way through the market, open early for New Years shopping. They were so absorbed in an argument over which chestnuts to buy that they didn't notice Anko or the dango stick that she dropped at the sight of them shopping together, or Ebisu-sensei who'd been distracted by staring at the same sight and had stepped on the stick and poked his toe as it jammed itself through the sole of his boot and was now yelping and doing a rather silly looking dance as he tried to pull it out.  
  
They had another argument over which tangerines to buy for the kagami mochi, each pointing to vastly different specimens and scuffing up a small dust cloud at their feet. Asuma bit back a groan as he leaned back, grumbling to himself that Kurenai should have hidden herself instead of forcing _him_ to hide under the fruit stand. Wasn't the point of getting up early to go shopping _not_ being seen? Why were there so many people? And why _Kakashi_ of all? He was still miffed at the jounin for winning—by cheating most likely—the very expensive tin of chocolate he'd brought back from Forest Country for Kurenai in a game of Red Kunai, Blue Kunai. Even worse, he hadn't been able to get the _why_ of why Kakashi had been so all-fired to have the chocolate in the first place.  
  
“Kakashi-sensei! Iruka-sensei! How unusual to see you around this time of morning. New Years shopping?” Kurenai chirped from behind them. Underneath the mikan stand, Asuma dragged a hand down his face before shoving an unlit cigarette in his mouth. He was going to be in for a long wait.  


  
“So... Asuma. Kurenai. Together,” Iruka questioned as he pushed open the door to his flat.  
  
“Completely and without a doubt,” Kakashi responded as he bustled in after, arms full of bags. “And hilariously _whipped_ ”  
  
Iruka snorted in agreement as he leaned on the door to close it, arms also full of bags. “I can't believe he sat under the mikan stand the whole time. Crazy.”  
  
“The things a man will do when he's in love,” Kakashi sang as he lay his bag aside the genkan and crouched down to help Iruka remove his boots.  
  
“Ah, thanks,” Iruka mumbled, fighting down a blush at the awkwardness.  
  
“In any case,” the jounin went on as he toed their boots in line and stood back to admire the neat rows. He looked crafty for a moment as he retrieved his shopping bags. “Let's go hide these envelopes!”  
  
Iruka rolled his eyes as Kakashi bolted down the hallway towards his room. It was as if it was Kakashi, not the Naruto that was having a first New Years.  
  
Iruka later found himself digging around in the storage closet through a box of his parents' New Years things and realised that he hadn't properly celebrated a New Years himself since they'd died. He'd already found the special ninja-grade kine and was looking for the usu when his hand encountered a soft piece of fabric. He hooked his finger under the cloth strap and lifted the bundle from the box, cocking his head curiously.  
  
“Oh? You have mochitsuki outfits,” Kakashi queried from over his shoulder. Iruka looked up.  
  
“Ah, yes. I think these are my parents'. Oh, and here are mine!” He held up another set of bundles. The usu lay in the box just below the clothes, nestled in a wooden box with its stand.  
  
“Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?” Kakashi shook out the set of clothes and held them up.  
  
Iruka slanted him a glance. “That the closet needs a good dusting?”  
  
“That too,” Kakashi allowed. “ _But_ I'm thinking that this fits you—” He tossed the smaller of the outfits towards Iruka and admired the larger. “—and this fits me. And those—” He pointed to the smaller bundles in Iruka's lap. “—would fit Naruto just fine.”  
  
Iruka shook out the small bundle and sighed. It really _would_ fit Naruto and the boy would be _so_ happy. He knew Sasuke would prefer to use an Uchiha-monogrammed outfit himself. He held up the outfit Kakashi had given him, taking in the tawara-gata design his mother used to wear and sighed again. It looked like he was going to be the mommy after all.  
  
It was by unspoken agreement that the two adults had descended upon the still-slumbering boys like a pack of hooligans, rousing them with shouts and shoving that had the genin dressed with teeth brushed before they knew it. Naruto was adorable in Iruka's old outfit, a polar opposite to Sasuke's black one. Iruka couldn't help himself and he hustled them together next to Shisha-kun and Ukki-san for a picture. Kakashi had gotten further excited, conjured a clone, and forced everyone to take a “family picture” with him. He then made Iruka take a “parents picture” that was really embarrassing and seemed to take forever since Kakashi decided that Naruto should _get to_ have the experience of taking it.  
  
“Ne, sensei,” Naruto tugged on Iruka's sleeve. “What are we doing anyway and why is there a rock over there?”  
  
“Dobe. Haven't you ever heard of mochitsuki?” Sasuke looked patently bored as he swung a mallet, nearly hitting Ukki-san. Kakashi yanked the mallet away from him with a sloe-eyed glare.  
  
“Teme! You're the sucky one, not me,” Naruto shrieked before leaping at the Uchiha.  
  
“Yellow card,” Iruka shouted, diving between them. “Mochitsuki is mochi pounding,” he explained.  
  
“Sounds perverted,” Naruto mumbled. Iruka hit him lightly on the head.  
  
“You need to make mochi so you can have good luck in the new year. It is _not_ perverted,” the chuunin insisted.  
  
“It is if you go to the Otafuku Gai Red Lantern District's Butterfly House,” Kakashi mused. Iruka slapped at him in a knee-jerk response.  
  
“ _Shut up!_ Stop encouraging him,” Iruka hissed before casting the most innocent look he could towards Naruto who was still looking _really_ suspicious. “It's violent,” he suggested. Naruto immediately brightened.  
  
“It's good for training too,” Kakashi cut in. “It's good for endurance and speed training. You should try it sometime.” Iruka slapped at him again.  
  
“We're going to do it now,” he barked. Kakashi's eye gleamed. Iruka's eyes narrowed as he followed the jounin's train of thought. “Don't even go there.”

  
Mochi making was a lot harder than Iruka remembered and was made doubly hard by the fact that he was the only one who could remember how to do it. Sasuke had been too small to participate in the actual rice pounding and neither Naruto nor Kakashi had any experience with it.  
  
He hadn't been all that amused when Kakashi had shown him where he'd left the mochigome to soak—in the ofuro? _Really?_ —and had to explain the entire process in between fights. It had taken Kakashi and himself at least half an hour to wrangle the kine away from the boys who were determined to beat each other's heads in with it. Even Iruka's shouts of “It's bad luck!” hadn't done much to ease tensions.  
  
Sasuke had subsided into a kind of feral glee as he was offered the job of heating the rice pot and was currently ensconced at the counter in the kitchen tending to the fire. Naruto had initially been allowed to watch until he'd tried to poke the rice and had gotten burned in the process, much to both Iruka and Kakashi's regret. They took it as a personal reflection of their lack as teachers.  
  
Sasuke's glee spread to Naruto once the cooked mochigome met the usu and the kine were relinquished to the genin. Iruka tried to explain the fine art of _timing_ so the mochigome could be turned without burnt or smashed hands and gave a small demonstration with Kakashi, stressing the importance of shouting “Sa!” with every mallet strike. Unfortunately neither he nor Kakashi could be considered “good role models” when violent things were involved and the demonstration instantaneously dissolved into a competition to see who had faster reflexes and Kakashi had almost snapped his mallet in half as he did his level best to crush Iruka's hands. Iruka had returned the favour by trying to smack the jounin on the head with his own and they'd ended up wrestling for dominance while the genin took up arms.  
  
Naruto dipped his hands in a bowl of water and shifted back and forth, eyes locked on Sasuke's.  
  
_Ta._  
  
Naruto darted a hand forward and poked the blob of mochi. Sasuke whipped the mallet down. Naruto snatched his hand back, glaring as he dipped it again.  
  
_Ta._  
  
Naruto shrieked and darted his hand forward to smack the blob of mochi, swearing as it burned him. Sasuke smirked and whipped the mallet down again, missing Naruto's fingers by a flash.  
  
_Ta._  
  
Naruto swore and attacked the mochi with two hands, Sasuke already swinging the mallet.  
  
_Ta._  
  
“Teme!”  
  
_Ta._  
  
“Sasu-tem-”  
  
_Ta._  
  
“Kusoyarou!”  
  
_Ta._ _Ta._  
  
“Ack!”  
  
_Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._  
  
“Slow down!”  
  
_Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._  
  
“I'll kill you!”  
  
_Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._  
  
“Grr.”  
  
_Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._ _Ta._  
  
“What the hell do you think you're doing!” Naruto couldn't get his hands in with Sasuke striking the mallet so quickly. Iruka looked up from where he was straddling Kakashi and trying to choke him and pushed Naruto away, eyes glowing with excitement.  
  
“I'll take over, Naruto! Go jump on Kakashi-sensei,” he called, hands flying. Sasuke grinned madly and sped up his rhythm, sweat sliding down the side of his face from the effort and the heat of the mochi. Kakashi's eye narrowed as Naruto launched himself into the air with a loud “BANZAI!!!”  
  
Naruto found himself sitting on a surprised Sasuke as Kakashi teleported himself to Sasuke's previous spot and began to swing the mallet with blinding speed. The dark haired genin narrowed his eyes with suspicion, batting aside Naruto's hands as the other boy tried to beat his head in. Kakashi had been behaving oddly for a while now.

  
Mochi pounding ended up being exhausting for all parties involved. Kakashi and Iruka ended up destroying three out of five steel-cored kine during their competition and Sasuke and Naruto were tired just from _watching_ the blinding speed of their teachers. Naruto was mostly tired from screaming encouragement for both opponents—and trying to shout “Sa”s for them—and Sasuke was tired from having had his Sharingan activated the whole time—to little effect as well. His teachers were blindingly fast, even with his dojutsu.  
  
Kakashi and Iruka were both breathing a little harder than usual and staring at the huge lumps of mochi they'd pounded, Kakashi wondering just what the _hell_ people actually did with it, when Iruka announced the next step with a tired smile. Kakashi slanted a suspicious look towards the chuunin. There was _more?_ And they had to _cut_ the rice? This was just silly.  
  
Against the protests of the genin who'd wanted to try their skills, Kakashi ended up cutting the mochi and flung the unformed balls across the track of starch they'd turned the kitchen table into with a speed that would have made Gai weep with sheer joy. The three remaining shinobi raced to form the mochi balls, cursing as their hands burned, kicking up a huge cloud of white as their hands flew. White mochi was formed into standard balls, later to be topped with mikan. Pink mochi with ume pounded in was filled with azuki bean paste. Green tea mochi with matcha powder pounded in was filled with kuromame paste. They found out that stuffing chocolate bits into the mochi was also really good.  
  
Then Iruka made everyone his “special” mochi. Kakashi had snatched the first one before anyone else could even _see_ it and made it disappear in his normal way.  
  
“Why... Why is this hard? And salty? Why is this salty! You have a weird way of making beans,” Kakashi mumbled. Then he paused, chewed slowly and paused again. “Is... this... Is this sausage? Oh gods, this is so wrong.”  
  
Iruka laughed so hard he cried. Naruto, of course, loved it. It reminded him of ramen. Sasuke stared at the plants in the corner, the only other sane—quiet anyhow—beings in the room and wished himself into a tree.

**Author's Note:**

> These were originally written for the 12 Days of Christmas Challenge on Livejournal in 2010, starting with the first day of Christmas (December 25). It's basically all crack and I apologise for nothing.
> 
>  **Notes**  
>  Kine - (Keen-eh) A long handled mallet for mochi pounding
> 
> Usu - (Ooh-soo) Sort of like a big stone bowl for mochi pounding
> 
> Pochibukuro - Lucky envelopes filled with money for New Years, given to children by parents


End file.
